Sunday, December 20, 2009 5:51 AM
Tired and Confused
These three months have been terrible for me, and the people around me..
A lot of things happened during these three months, but nothing good happened to me..
When I finally thought that one thing has finally ended, another came like the MRT trains in Singapore..
Every 5 minutes one train will reached the platform..
At times, I really feel like giving up...
But for the sake of my mum, I barely hanged on..
When I needed help at my lowest end, seldom I see someone showing me their helping hands..
Many may not know, although I have quite a number of friends..
But not many makes me feel that I'm their friend..
Especially after my 20th birthday..
I really felt that what I have done during my 20 years of my life are all a piece of SHIT!!!!
Yes.. This is what I feel..
Even my god-sis didn't wished me that day, the one person that I hope to hear from every year..
Every time I saw my friends celebrating another friend's birthday, I will always hope that I will be receiving such blessings for my birthday...
Some people took it for granted, but for me... It's something that I always wanted to have, yet always not receiving..
When Ronald told me that Paulina and Cass gave him a Christmas present, I was so envy of him..
And when he told me something regarding the present, I wanted to rebuke back to him..
"I haven't even received a present for Christmas for the past 15 years, and you're telling me this..."
I always asked myself this... Why always I'm the one giving, yet never receive?
Why I have to see people receiving, and myself....?
I always wanted to blame someone, but I just can't...
It's not my nature...
Even the Highest one is starting to mess my life up..
I have been asking Him to save me, to save me for the fallen one..
Yet....
Shaun just sent me a message me why am I behaving this way...
But did you guys ever think in my stand?
You guys have been receiving blessings that I wanted to...
You guys are been noticed of...
You guys got responsible parents, stable life, material stuffs that I wanted wanted...
Yet, all I received from you guys are unbearable jokes, names and leftovers...
I have to even put up a fake front in front of you guys, so that you guys won't say the following...
"Can you stop giving us this kind of face?"
Maybe you guys might not realised.. But every time i heard, I always wanted to run to the nearest toilet and cry..
But can tears solved the problem?
PS. If Mr Zaki you're reading this entry, you should finally understand why I can't cry even when I'm facing heavy loads of problems..
I'm a very simple person..
I just want real concerns, real friends that cares about me, remember details of me...
Share the happy and sad times with me...
I don't mind I'm poor, ugly and unattractive..
That's because I know that those are just materialistic peoples' thinking..
But....
How I wish I was died four years ago..
Why didn't I just followed my 2nd uncle that year?
Then I won't be suffering so much right now..
When everyone told me that there's future for me, but in my mind, if I can't even endure thru the present, what's future for me to say?
I watched the past episodes of 终极三国, I hear many phrases in the serial that makes me almost kill myself..
But I really wished the following phrase will one day happen to me, if I'm around to see it..
如果你感到阴影，
别怕
那是因为背后有阳光
但是我们兄弟不怕阴影
因为
我们是彼此背后的阳光
This is quote from 关羽, 终极三国 episode 21... Just before setting off to find 刘备, who was sent for war..
I'm not expecting that kind of die-die also must be together, that kind of brotherhood...
Just a bit of this will be enough for me...
But....
I'm making a very big decision tonight...
This might be the last post I'm blogging for the year..
If I have made that decision, that's if...
Edited:
And I just found out that I really got no people to talk to other than Qin Ying who's in Shenzhen now..
QY, please come back soon!! =(
daztan
10.31pm
10.47pm (edited)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009 9:17 AM
a last entry due to my "unable to sleep" problem
As you can see, the title stated very clearly the problem(s) I'm facing right now...
1) I will get insomnia now and then...
Still unable to find the real cause, so....
2) I'm realizing that sometimes it really don't pay to be a good guy...
3) My trust towards people are getting thinner..
Especially to people that I'm once close with..
4) I'm losing my faith towards God.. AGAIN!!!!
But this time I know the reason why, but I'm not comfortable sharing here.. So....
5) I'm tired of a lot of things happening to the surroundings that is close to me...
Especially the changes in my friends...
Some of them, to be precised...
A lot of attitude changes and lack of respect I'm getting from them lately...
Maybe they might not realised that sometimes, just simple words might kill...
Especially towards me, as I'm still not out of the situation I was in previously...
And please take note of what I'm going to say now...
I might have a endurance level that many can't even imagine of..
But, that's doesn't mean that you can climb over my head and do whatever you want, ESPECIALLY to those who're younger than me..
No matter you're few months, few years, few days or few hours..
I'm still older than you in anyway, so please respect me as an elder...
I might not rebuke to whatever you have said, but doesn't mean I'm afraid to speak up or I'm afraid of you, as a person...
I just don't want to make any unnecessary disputes with you guys..
PLEASE!!!!
I don't want to fare my anger like I did two years ago in BB, that all the Officers and fellow Primers got a shock of their lives..
DO NOT CHALLENGE ME!!!
I'm not the ordinary guy who you can bully or the Davin that you have thought I'm...
But people change, especially these few months after IAP starts..
I'm tired, and I'm losing energy to maintain this empty shell I'm carrying right now..
So, please don't make me throw away this empty shell, or else...
I might not appear in your life anymore, like what I did to those who have hurt me previously..
I will rather lose one than many..
I will updated this entry later after I reached home..
I'm tired now..
Till then...
daztan
1.57am
Tuesday, December 8, 2009 5:43 AM
2012.. Is it really the end of the world?
I thought of this while I was watching 2012 the movie just now..
If there's really a "2012" coming our way, is it a good thing or a bad thing?
This is my opinion...
First, for those who have seen this movie, did you guys remember the last scene when everyone in Ship No. 4 came out for the first time after the "happenings" to the Earth?
Different races, nationalities, religions came together.
Maybe this is the purpose of the disaster?
To let us find our basic human nature.
Everyone has a equal right to live.
Everyone should take care of each other.
I realize something at the end.
How come Africa is still "intact"?
Shouldn't all the lands sink after the tsunamis?
As a Christian, I believe that God have left a piece of land for us to start over again.
Maybe back to the Prehistorical.
Where the earth was first made up of one, single land.
I confess that at times, I really don't want to help a friend in need.
I'm tired of being a nice guy.
I have been having thoughts few weeks ago.
Why must I help others?
I gain nothing for helping, maybe even get into trouble for helping someone.
I experienced it a few times these few years.
Different types of losses, physically and mentally.
But that's something inside me that says: "there will be a day when God sees what I have done, and finally I will be repaid, not money but something else.."
Something else, I have been finding for that "something else" for a very long time.
I even have forgotten what is that "something else" that I'm searching for.
But I think I have found it,
I don't know how to put it in words.
I think I'm feeling it recently.
Things has finally settled down..
My famous "bad lucks" are not following me for now..
I don't really feel emo these few days..
I have finally let go of something I have been struggled to hold on, but I always can't..
Suddenly, I'm lost of words..
I don't know how to continue...
Maybe I should just take things at ease from now on, then I wouldn't be suffering for nothing...
Hopefully that goes with my relationship life...
Hope that someone knows to appreciate me, will love me truthfully..
Anyway, I want to say sorry to Qin Ying..
I'm sorry...
I shouldn't have pushed you too much..
If you're looking at this post, drop me a sms okay?
Last but not last, I want to say.....
I'm really scared about the grounds lifting up high in the sky...
Haha.. =)
daztan
10.05pm
Thursday, November 12, 2009 8:02 PM
I feel hopeless.......
This week I have only went to work for one and a half days...
Two days MC due to my fever, throat infection and cough...
Thurs = Medical checkup review, spent two whole hours just to talk to the MO for 5 mins and another review..
This time have to bring parents along.. Sianz!!
Then took bus 175 back to Clementi, to find the lecturers..
Talked to them because I have decided to quit my job in the company that I'm in for attachment..
If you want to know why I want to quit, give me a sms bahx..
Talked for quite a long period of time, feeling guilty for taking up so much of their time..
So, after talking to them, I decided to stay until I really can't handle...
Today MC again... Stupid toe kena stepped again..
Sianz.. Swollen again... Just finished cleaning up the wound..
Have been doing the cleaning three times a day, not even that prompt for meals..Haha..
Hopefully Sunday's operation will be successful..
This few days, super unlucky de..
Keep getting stepped on my left toe (the swollen one), and not the right one..
Super angry de lorx..
Something that my lecturer have said yesterday makes me think of something...
Maybe I'm really bottling up too many stuffs, that's why I started changing until like this.....
Maybe I really need to consult a specialist to help me through this difficult times..
I randomly drew a picture yesterday, and after I drew it..
I remember something from one of the books that I have read before..The picture I drew is a boy holding to a heart-shaped balloon with his dad holding on to him and there's a house behind them..
From the psychology terms, this is not a good thing..
Because it shows the drawer has been longing for love from others, especially parents..
I didn't realised it at first, thinking it just a picture..
But after awhile, while looking at one of my lecturer who kept staring at me after looking at this picture..
Then I realised this..
But, it's true.. I'm longing for love.. NOT just with my parents, but everyone around me..
But I just can't feel any..
ESPECIALLY after what has happened recently..
Haiz..
This entry could be the one that I took the longest time editing, and blogging..
Because I started this entry on the 12th of Nov, now is already 18th of Nov..
A few peeps' birthday has passed..
Happy birthday to the following...
Masturah ---->>> 13th Nov
Jason -------->>> 15th Nov
Ignatius ----->>> 16th Nov
NELSON ----->>> 18th Nov (today)
Finally, I went to DG last friday..
But something's amiss..
I can't say it out, or else the rest will start to ask me le..
But...
The feeling wasn't good..
Ching Kit and Alexis went to Taiwan for holiday for two weeks..
So good..
How I wish that I could go back to Taiwan..
There seems better for me than in Singapore..
Haiz..
Went for operation for my in-grown toe nail..
Pity that I can't take pictures of the two nails that have been took out..
But you can't imagine the length of that two nails..
One is around 3cm, the other 5cm..
Oh My Goodness!!
My mum almost killed me after seeing those two nails..
Haha..
But I took my "revenge" beforehand..
I squeezed her hand when I was been injected with the jabs..
That one damn pain, especially the jabs is targeted at the areas that the nails has struck at..
4 jabs some more..
Then went to celebrate Grandma's birthday with my toe wrapped like "zhu jiao"..
Wanted not to go..
But thinking that my Grandma's not that young anymore..
So, wanted to spend more time with her..
Especially during these types of occasions..
Celebrated at Sakura International Buffet..
Saw my cousins, suddenly got this feeling..
I have grew distant from them..
ALL of them..
Haiz..
What to say? The past few years, only during CNY then I will appear..
But it's not my fault..
With my family situations, and my dad always like to tell me these last min..
How to appear most of the time..
Feelings for today, 181109...
I have been having this dream this few days..
Hope it's not a deja-vu..
Cause if it's one, I might die soon..
I dream of myself, killed by my ex-friends..
Because they don't want to admit that they are wrong, and I'm correct..
Maybe it's just a dream..
But it definitely feel very real..
Haiz..
I kept thinking things this few days, my studies (attachment), my friends (who to trust, and who not), and myself..
And the end product is NOTHING!!
I don't know what should I do next..
I damn sianz of been the old me..
Always get hurt by others..
Always get cheated by loved ones..
Always get no appreciation for what I did..
Always get bullied in every place I go..
Always unable to feel my presences in place..
AND
I still need to be nice to peeps..
Console peeps..
Take care of peeps..
Haiz..
How I wish I can throw all these away..
I just want some love, care and concern..
That's all..
But...
Haiz...
Ps. I might not be able to blog for awhile from tomorrow onwards.. Because I' m sending my laptop for servicing tomorrow..
Sadz..
AND...
I thought of you again, today.. The day before, and the days before that...
I'm sorry for what I have done..
But seeing you living your life happily, that's all I need..
Take Care of yourself..
daztan
1.20am
Sunday, November 8, 2009 12:16 AM
I hope.....
Quite awhile since I last blog..
Still have a lot of things happening in my life..
I still feel very tired from what has happened..
But at least somethings are turning bad to good..
I think so?
As I'm not that sure about those things are turning good or not..
Soon, I hope all the things will be good, rather than bad...
Who wouldn't think this way right?
But for me, this might only just be my foolish thoughts bahx..
Recently, someone said something that hurts me, while the person thought that it's just a joke..
Sometimes I wonder those people got brains a not...
I already so emo le, still adding things to make me even more emo..
Haiz..
Just hope that nothing like this will happen tomorrow..
(edited)
I can't forget my 18th Birthday, the year that I felt like dying, on my birthday itself..
I still can't get it, why must I be in this world?
Just to let people hurt me again and again?
The meaning of birthday:
(1) the anniversary of a birth.
(2) the day of a person's birth.
(3) a day marking or commemorating the origin, founding, or beginning of something.
(4) the festivities or celebration marking such a day or anniversary.
I took this meanings from dictionary.com
Don't believe, you can always click the link provided..
Every year, I expect some to remember, but the numbers kept dropping, eventually the few that remembers every year..
My god-sis Becky, my mum, and myself..
Even my dad remembers the wrong birth date..
He took it as 11th of Sept instead of 9th of Nov..
Even someone so close to me can remember wrongly, how to expect others to remember it right?
So those who have forgotten my birthday, please don't wish me tomorrow after reading this okay?
I rather you just keep it shut, then hurting me without noticing..
And those who remembers, I thank you from the bottom of my heart..
But also don't wish me okay?
I just want the day to past just like that...
And stop advertising my birthday to the rest, pardon me for saying that..
Just take it as I don't have a birthday okay?
But still hope that you remembers, Mei Ting.. But even you forgets, I really got nothing to say le..
Haiz..
A lot of times, when I'm alone traveling to work or back home, I kept having flashbacks...
Happy things that has happened long ago..
Very old stuffs, especially I saw children having fun without having any troubles in their minds..
So please don't think I'm a pervert if you see me acting silly while watching the kids play..
Just that I'm thinking of my childhood, the only good things that happens in my life even it also consists of beatings and other bad stuffs..
My memories is getting poorer as the days goes by...
I might one day forgets everything...
Maybe that will make me a much cheerful person than what I'm right now..
The only things that I hope right now is,
Hope that Mei Ting's legs will recover soon, so that we can finally go out together..
Hope that attachment finishes soon, and nothing bad to happen again..
Hope that I will pass my Higher Nitec, if with some scholarships then it will be better..
Hope that whatever choices my parents made, they will live happily with it..
Hope that my silly brother will find someone he loves, excel in his studies, and feel appreciated by his CCA..
Don't be like me..
Hope that my grandma will be healthy..
And finally hope that those who I'm really concerned about, hope that they will be happy every day of their lifes, and nothing bad will happen to them...
I will be back again....
But when?
I'm not sure myself..
Bye for now..
daztan
5.02pm
10.35pm (edited)
Saturday, October 24, 2009 7:36 PM
Tired from everything... Mentally and physcially..
Thought that I don't need to continue to stop the thinking of Jas they all and Gan, them quitting..
In the end, I failed...
Saw on Gan's blog on Friday that Gan has quit his attachment job at eFusion...
So angry with what I saw, which is just now..
I understand that he's unable to endure the stress...
But he could always let Ms Ang and Mrs Yeo know about this and see whether he could switch to the admin side anot..
By quitting, that means he is failing his entire course...
And also, the girls will follow him as well..
I don't know how to stop the girls already..
I myself is enduring so much stress right now, and things keep coming...
I talked to Ms Ang yesterday, asking me some stuffs..
Unable to share it with you guys...
Plus, I get in contact with her yesterday night..
Still can't absorb what she has told me yesterday night..
I don't know whether it's true or not..
If it's true, I will never forgive myself to cause her to suffer like this..
I can't forgive myself not to be by her side when so many things happened to her as well..
But if it's false, I will never forgive her again even she kneels and beg in front of me...
Knowing long ago that my parents' relationship can't be salvaged, I already prepared that my parents would one day be separated...
But her....
It's so sudden to her...
Her only parent has left her, and her two sisters...
Plus she just came back from hospital, unable to walk at this time...
What should I do?
I really got no idea right now..
How I wish I could appear in front of her right now..
But....
Haiz...
I don't know how to handle the stress from my attachment with all this happening at the same time...
Can anyone tell me what can I do or how to resolve everything?
Or the simplest way out, to .....?
Haiz...
Why can't I just live a normal life?
Why can't Satan just leave me alone?
Why didn't God stopped Satan from ruining my life completely?
Why?
So many whys in my life and no one has the answer for me....
I really don't know how to continue living if my life is to be continued this way...
Should I just end my life and join God in Heaven?
Haiz.....
daztan
10.52am
Friday, October 23, 2009 5:40 AM
From 14th Oct to 23rd Oct
First, I would like to say this..
Please don't ask me how I have overcome what happened two weeks ago..
I don't have the answer myself..
The Saturday before what happened, Kang still asked me whether am I attached?I didn't want to answer him..
Cause I know that they don't like their friends to be attached early...
But I'm already 20..
Haiz..
Anyway, that's not the point..
The point is isn't it funny that so many things happened at one go after that day?
I still can't get it why she did all this to me..
What she said to me in the past are all lies?
The love that we shared is also fake?
You said that you would love me even if I let go of you..
Is it also fake?
Haiz..
I really don't know what's the truth and what's the false anymore..
I even can't believe anyone's words fully nowadays...
I have been thinking about what everyone has told me over again, then absorbed...
Plus the stress from work, the stress to keep everyone in the team, to encourage everyone even through I need it myself, to look after the three of them...
And of course, Gan over at eFusion...
I don't even know what to tell my mum what has happened over the past two weeks when I'm going up to her place tomorrow after work..
Two things good happened this week (20th - 24th Oct)...
1) I have finally let out the things that I should have say out last week..
2) My efforts in the company is finally paid off.. Although is only a sentence or two.... It meant a lot to me right now...
I started picking my long-lost hobby, which is reading..
I roughly remembered that the last time I read a book and completed it, is in Sec 4...
4 years ago!!
Maybe is because my friend, William forgotten to help me return my books to the library and make me owe NLB fines, thus I stopped reading..
And of course, my laziness does a part as well..
The first book I started reading is "90 Minutes in Heaven"..
I started reading it since Monday..
Finished reading it yesterday morning, half way through to work.. (At City Hall to be exact)
It's about a true story of a pastor, Don Piper who met a car accident and went to Heaven for 90 minutes..
It's very inspiring to me as I was losing my faith of God after what has happened...
The die-die must try attitude after he realized why God sent him back to earth after he has seen in Heaven is a lesson I would learned from..
I hope after I dropped him an email tomorrow, he would replied..
If better, him coming to my church to preach for one Sunday would be a honor for me..
In some ways, I'm similar to him..
I also kept asking myself and to God, why the high One allows me to face this trial again when He knows that I might die because of this..
The answer may only come when I goes to Heaven..
Maybe in the future..
But I'm sure of something now..
If I continue doing what I'm doing right now, I may not have a future to talk about...
I started watching the drama serial, "Flash forward"..
How I wish I could black out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds to know what has happened in the future...
Even is something bad that I have never imagine I could face..
But...
Last...
I want to say this..
I miss you...
I miss you lots..
I miss the times that you "ignored" me when we talked about "that"..
I miss the times that you acted extra cute when I'm tired..
I miss the times you encouraged me...
How I wish that that incident didn't happened...
How I wish I'm still with you now..
daztan
9.14pm
